


I Think I Will

by AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Compassionate!Hugh, Episode s01e05 Choose Your Pain, Episode s01e06 Lethe, Episode s01e09 Into the Forest I Go, First Kiss, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Human!Ash, Love Confessions, M/M, PTSD, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-01-23 04:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12499284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted/pseuds/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted
Summary: Ash is just trying to get acclimated to life back on board a Starfleet Vessel





	1. Chapter 1

Ash always strived for greatness. His mother was an intelligent sweet woman, she had been a scientist. His father was a deadbeat. He was grateful for life, but he certainly didn’t understand his mother wanting to be intimate with a man like that. He didn’t understand, that is, until he met Gabriel Lorca. Ash thought that Lorca was a good man, a man who cared about starfleet, about the federation and the people in it. Ash also knew that Lorca wasn’t the best of men. He didn’t go by the book, he was prone to vengefulness, he would do anything necessary for his own success. Ash wasn’t particularly fond of that aspect of the man. He wasn’t fond of the fact that Lorca would destroy a ship, even if he was trying to protect his people from imprisonment on Qo’noS. Ash had been a prisoner of the Klingons, he was grateful his captain didn’t blow up their ship with him still on it. 

Ash also wasn’t fond of the sheer number of women the captain shared his bed with. That one wasn’t so morally strident as much as it was petty. Ash would be the last person to admit he was in love with Gabriel Lorca, he would also be the first person to admit that he would never sleep with the man. 

Ash had seen Cornwell leave Lorca’s room, her uniform in relative disarray as she went. It was clear they had been intimate. It was also clear she had threatened the captain’s career and that Lorca had no particular plans to travel into neutral space to find her. 

Lorca was one to hedge dangerous and obviously risky rescue missions. His crew seemed to do the same. Stamets had injected himself with tardigrade DNA, illegal eugenics. Tilly and Burnham had stolen spores to feed the same tardigrade. Even First Officer Saru, who Ash had expected to faint at a tip of the hat, had ventured into Klingon space just to save Lorca.

The difference was, Lorca was selfish. He bedded people to get an edge on people. He maintained the professional and charming facade of a Cardassian to manipulate people. He hedged rescue missions if they served his purpose, and if they didn’t, then he had no reason to do so.

Lorca had made an eclectic crew for himself. Starfleet’s first mutineer, Starfleet’s first Kelpian, an unsociable, testy, gay mycologist, and a recent POW. Ash was proud to be a part of that crew, but he would be quick to admit he wasn’t sure he was fit for duty.

Doctor Culber had looked at him, furrowing his eyebrows and crossing his arms across his chest. Ash didn’t know at the time, but it was clear the pale man behind him getting his bones knitted back together was the doctor’s husband. Culber slid a dermal regenerator across Ash’s face as Ash let his eyes flutter closed.

“Physically you’re quite well.” Culber said, crossing his arms. “Obviously, I worry about your mental condition - you were on the Klingon ship for seven months, and judging by the, obviously, frequent usage of your genitalia you were engaged in frequent and exhaustive sex. May I ask if it was consensual?”

“I just did what I had to do to survive.” Ash said, opening his eyes a sliver to see the doctor looking at him from behind a PADD.

“I assure you, I am passing no judgement, Mr Tyler.”

“Lieutenant Tyler.” Ash corrected.

Culber smiled, “Then: I assure you, I am passing no judgement, Lieutenant Tyler.”

“Good.”

“Lorca has taken a liking to you.” Culber had said, “He’ll be pushing for an early discharge, so I’m going to clear your physical. You  _ are _ physically well, after all. Luckily, Doctor Tigan is a good psychologist, and he’s good at putting up with Lorca’s bullshit, so you probably won’t be on active duty for quite a while.”

“Are we done?”

“Yes.” Culber nodded, clicking on his PADD and stealing glances at the Lieutenant on the other biobed, clearly gaining consciousness. 

“Your boyfriend?” Ash asked, pointing at the blond with his thumb.

“Husband, actually.” 

Since he came to discovery, Ash had been having trouble sleeping. Trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep. He often wandered through the halls late at night, sometimes he found himself at Doctor Culber’s quarters, ringing the buzzer, having the door open by Lt. Stamets, his eyes squinting, clearly having just woken up.

Stamets would turn back into the room, “Hugh.” he would say, “Your boyfriend is here.” he would fix Ash with a glare, clearly telling him not to put any proof to his words.

Culber would walk out with his arms crossed, his maroon Starfleet pajamas wrinkled from sleep, “Do you need a sedative?” he’d ask.

Ash would simply nod.

“You know,” Culber would say while getting a hypo, “You can go to sickbay or these things. The CMO knows about your insomnia.”

Ash would smile, looking past Culber to Stamets leaning in the doorframe with coffee in his hands, “This is a more comforting environment.”

Culber would smile but Stamets would be the one to speak up, “Come over whenever you need us.” he would say. 

Ash would raise an eyebrow, such a statement from the mycologist seemed decidedly out of place. Ash was grateful for the sentiment none the less. 

More often than finding himself at Doctor Culber’s quarters, he would find himself at Lorca’s quarters. Lorca would answer the door, it would be clear he had no intention of sleeping either. Ash felt better about that on the whole, he was guilty to disturb Culber and Stamets. The doctor and mycologist were so terribly domestic. Ash wouldn’t be surprised if they were thinking about adopting a child - or if they were thinking about it before the war started.

Lorca would open the door to his quarters, he wouldn’t smile, he would just let him in. Ash would sit down on the Captain’s sofa, he would accept a cup of whiskey. And sometimes they would talk, about security missions and reports, sometimes they wouldn’t talk a all. They never talked about any of the things itching to come out of both of them. 

Lorca would smile and laugh, eventually, Ash would go home. 

One night he didn’t go back to his quarters. He stayed. He didn’t mean to, not at first, at first he was just drifting off, he was sitting next to the Captain, leaning into him in his exhausted stupor. He was about to fall asleep when the captain pressed a gentle kiss to Ash’s head, causing the young man to jump up, spinning around to face the older man. 

“I apologize Lieutenant.” Lorca said, his face redder than Ash had ever seen it.

“Don’t apologize, sir.” Ash had said, feeling sweat prickle the back of his neck. 

“I think you should go.”

Ash nodded. “I think I will.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the fall finale.

Ash Tyler wasn’t great at making friends. He had been before, but, well, that was before, and everything had changed since his experiences on the ship of the dead. Ash Tyler had plenty of friends on the Discovery, but those friends had been acquired, not made. Doctor Culber was his friend because he felt bad for him, Cadet Tilly was his friend because - well, she was friends with everyone, Michael was his friend because she found him attractive. Ariam was his friend because she was too forgiving of Ash mistaking her for a robot. 

Captain Lorca was the only friend Ash had really made during his time on the Discovery. Ash had fought to be the older man’s friend. Not only because the older man had saved his life… saved him from L’Rell, but because he was devilishly attractive. Because of his smile and his eyes… everything about him. 

Ash Tyler walked through Discovery’s halls. He lingered outside of sickbay, looking inside at Doctor Culber, curled around Lieutenant Stamets, still wearing his white uniform with his eyes largely closed. Ash yearned for that, not for the looming threat of the death of his loved one (of Gabriel) but for someone that would stay by his side for better or for worse. 

Ash shook his head, placing his head in his hand as he kept walking, walking past the brig but not looking in, not wanting to look in at L’Rell. He sighed as he stood outside of the Captain's quarters, a hand raised to request entry, hesitating. 

Ash knew he was in love with the Captain. It wasn’t his first time being in love, far from it. Ash had always felt strongly. Nonetheless, he had no doubt that the depth of his feelings for the captain were greater than any feelings for anyone he had ever known, just the thought of the Captain made his heart flutter and his fingers tense. He didn’t love the Captain, he was in love with the captain, he was in love with everything he did and everything he said.

The sound of the doors swishing open followed by Lorca’s bark of, “Tyler!” snapped Ash out of his reverie. 

“Captain.” he said, slightly breathless, willing the heat pooling in his belly at the sight of his Captain shirtless to not manifest physically.

Lorca raised an eyebrow, “Do you want to come in, Soldier?” he asked.

Tyler nodded, “Thank you, sir.” Tyler followed Lorca into the other room, sitting down on the couch and accepting the drink Lorca poured him. 

“Can’t sleep?” 

Tyler shook his head, looking up at his captain, letting his gaze flick down to his lips.

“Me neither.” 

Tyler shook his head, leaning into Lorca when he sat down, Lorca wrapped his arms around the other man and Tyler buried his hand in the other man’s hair.

“I have feelings for you.” Tyler said, he never believed in lying.

Lorca nodded, leaning away from Tyler and putting a hand on the side of his face, “This is wrong.”

“It isn’t some kind of hero worship - Captain.”

“Gabriel.” Lorca corrected.

“That’s what I thought at first too - I thought that it was because you saved my from a horrible situation - and you were nothing like L’Rell. But it’s more than that, Gabriel. It’s more than that.”

“Tyler -”

“Ash”

“Ash, I’m still in a position of authority.”

“And that’s not why I’m in love with you.” Tyler heard Lorca’s breath hitch and he shook his head, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for what you can’t help.” Lorca said.

“I thought I’d tell you.” Tyler said, “I couldn’t sleep - with what happened to -”

“Lieutenant Stamets.”

Tyler bit his lip, looking down, “He and doctor Culber were so kind to me - and they were so in love - and I just…” he shook his head, “I’m sorry.”

“No.” Lorca shook his head and leaned in to press a gentle kiss to Ash’s lips, “Don’t apologize.” he shook his head, “I know what it seems like, Tyler. I know that it seems like I detest Stamets and I don’t trust Culber or the CMO. But I consider both of them friends. I consider you a friend, I - I’ve pondered - I’ve thought about you being more than a friend - but I decided that it was wrong.”

“Why?”

“Because I -” Lorca shook his head, “I’m not - good with people, and I’m not a good man, and I know that you deserve more than that.”

Tyler shook his head, “You’re a great man, Gabriel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I hope you guys enjoyed.


	3. Chapter 3

Hugh stood outside of sickbay, his uniform rumpled and obvious bags beneath his eyes, he crossed his arms and ran a hand through his hair - which had grown out a bit since he last had it buzzed. He smiled in a way that didn’t quite reach his eyes and he crossed his arms, glancing back into sickbay where Lieutenant Stamets was asleep in a bed, dwarfed by the medical equipment surrounding the bed.

“So, Lieutenant.” Hugh smiled, “Want to get a drink? I could stand to get out of here for a bit.” he crossed his arms and looked back to Stamets again before flashing Ash a tight lipped smile and walking in the direction of the mess hall. 

Ash followed the older man wordlessly. He ran his hands down his slacks and sighed, ordering a wine and sitting down next to the doctor. 

“So.” Hugh said, his eyes clearly tired from the many sleepless nights since Stamets went into his coma. He crossed his arms and leaned back, his whiskey sitting untouched on the table in front of him, “You’re in love with the Captain.”

“Excuse me?” Ash asked, looking around the mess hall, empty, at the height of beta shift. 

“I know that you and Burnham have - chemistry - and I know she has feelings for you, but I also know that you and the Captain have chemistry, and that you’re in love with the captain.”

Ash bit his lip and looked down, “Doctor -” he downed his wine and looked at the other man’s whiskey, “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything.” Hugh smiled, “The captain  _ is  _ very charismatic and he does tend to have his fair share of wooers.”

“It’s not the same.” Ash said, looking down.

“I know.”

“Can you keep a secret, Doctor?”

“You can call he Hugh, Lieutenant.”

“You can call me Ash then - I suppose.” Ash sighed, “Well, can you.”

“Yes.”

“The captain - well, my feelings aren’t exactly one sided - I mean -”

“That much is obvious,” Hush smiled and took a sip of his drink, “I’m sorry you two didn’t meet under better circumstances.”

“I’m sorry that Lieutenant Stamets -”

Hugh cut him off with a raised hand, “Don’t.” he said, “I came here to get away from all that.” Hugh tried to wipe away the tears brimming in his eyes, dripping down his cheeks. He looked down and heaved a breath, crossing his arms and biting his lip.

“I’m sorry.”

Hugh just shook his head and downed the rest of his drink, “We were going to adopt a kid.” he said, “Before all of this - there was so much we wanted to do - and I mean - he always loved his work - I just never thought he loved it more than he loved me.”

“He doesn’t” Ash said, shaking his head, “He loves you - he loves you more than he could ever love his work.”

Hugh’s chin shrunk as he started to cry again, “I love him - I love him so much and I’m afraid. I’m more afraid than I’ve ever been in my life.”

“I’m sorry.” Ash willed himself not to cry as he squeezed the doctor’s bicep.

“Don’t - don’t apologize.” Hugh sniffled and straightened back up, “I need to go - back to sickbay - I mean.” he sighed, “You should go talk to the captain - this hasn’t been an easy time for any of us. He’s no exception.”

Ash walked through the halls like he found himself doing all too often. He walked through the hallways thinking about his mother, about the books he loved and about what he thought Gabriel must think of them. He walked through the halls thinking about Paul and Hugh and how sad it was that something so awful had happened to them - but how lucky it was that Paul was probably going to wake up. 

“Ash!” Ash stopped at the sound of Tilly’s voice. Her curly red hair was pinned away from her face and her arms were crossed in front of her ‘DISCO’ t-shirt, “Are you okay?”

Ash ran a hand through his hair and nodded, “Yeah. Yeah. I’m okay.”

“Sylvia!” Michael ran around the corner and then slowed to a halt in front of Ash, “Lieutenant Tyler.” she said in greeting before wrapping her arm around Tilly’s waist.

“Ash was just wandering around the halls.” Tilly said, turning to Michael.

“Are you well, Lieutenant Tyler?” Michael arched an eyebrow in a distinctly Vulcan fashion.

Ash nodded, “I was just going to -” he trailed off before regaining his train of thought, “Speak with the Captain.”

“Yes Tyler?” a deep voice shocked Ash into turning around.

Gabriel’s hair reflected the lights of the ship and the pips on his waist and shoulders shone almost religiously. 

Ash’s breath caught in his throat and he found himself reaching up to touch the captain’s face. 

Michael lead Tilly away behind them and Gabriel’s hand came up to the back of Tyler’s neck. 

“Gabriel -”

Gabriel’s gaze flicked down to Ash’s lips and then back to his eyes, “Ash - I - I -”

Ash’s breath caught in his throat and he leaned down slightly to capture Gabriel’s lips.

“I’m afraid, Ash.” Gabriel said when they broke apart, “I haven’t felt this way since - since Katrina.”

Ash swallowed, his throat dry.

“And I don’t mean Katrina now - I mean when we were at the academy - when we first met and I was so in love with her and she was in love with me.”

“I’ve never felt this way.” Ash said, leaning in to kiss Gabriel again, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sunday can't come soon enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Please point out errors. this is not beta'd.


End file.
